If you don't take control of a room from
the moment you walk in, then you've
already lost. CIA knows this is true.
So, they teach us one powerful tactic to
take control of any room from the moment
you walk in without having to say a
word. I have used this tactic on
warlords, executives, and even your
favorite podcast hosts. This is how it
works. CIA teaches us that taking
control of a room actually starts before
you ever step into the room in the first
place. Dominance isn't gained during a
conversation. It's gained from the
moment that you enter the space where
other conversations are happening. You
have to control the tempo, the pace, the
volume, the vocabulary that you actually
use. It's not about trying to fit into
what other people are already saying or
doing in the room. It's about creating a
whole new frame that actually attracts
their attention to you. Culturally,
we've all learned that if we want to
belong, if we want to be accepted, we
have to start using the same language
that other people use. We have to wear
the same clothes that other people wear.
We have to have the same hairstyles. We
have to have the same brand names. We
have to show up at the same time that
other people show up. In reality, what
you're doing is subconsciously
subordinating yourself to the desires of
the group. Meaning, you are following
the frame that the group or that someone
else has set. Instead, what you want to
do is come into a room with your own
frame. A frame that is in competition
with and distinctly different from
whatever existing frame is inside the
room. The reason this works is because
most people don't have a plan. They
don't have an outcome. They don't have a
desire in mind when they show up to a
board meeting or a staff meeting or even
a first date. So, as a result, they end
up doing something called reactive
framing, which means they're cobbling
together some sort of structure or ideas
about what they want from the event
after they arrive. That's what creates
so much friction, so much debate, so
much discomfort and obvious awkwardness
whenever you're around people that don't
have a plan. Everyone knows there is no
plan, but nobody wants to call it out.
You've had this happen at work. You've
had this happen around the dinner table.
You've had this happen on the first
date, the second date, the 25th date,
your 15th wedding anniversary. You come
together and you look at each other
awkwardly because nobody really has a
plan what they're trying to get out of
this time together. That's called a
reactive frame. You want to create an
active frame, a deliberate frame. You
want to control the frame before you
even walk into the room because
subconsciously that gives everybody an
attractive target to follow. It creates
a very clear leadership dynamic without
you even having to speak. You do this by
picking the time that you're going to
meet. You do this by picking the place
where you're going to meet. You do this
by already knowing when the meeting, the
date, the event will end. You know it
even before anybody else in the room
knows it. The reason that's so powerful
is because even though they don't know
when the meeting will end, they know
that you do and they will follow you.
And when you say it's over, they will
leave. When you say the date ends, he or
she will go home. I don't need you to be
aggressive. I don't need you to be
assertive. I don't need you to be loud.
These are very small things that get
picked up by the subconscious of
everybody else around you. And I've seen
them work on powerful men. I've seen
them work on scared men, broken men,
angry men. I've seen them work on women
who were interested in me as much as
women who had no interest in me at all.
Because when it comes down to it, a
frame is really about survival. And all
human beings are attracted to the thing
that enhances or increases their sense
of survival. The idea of survival is
what actually takes us to the second
point in this tactic. Not only do you
want to prepare the frame before you
even enter the room, but once you enter
the room, you want to be extremely
consistent with the frame that you
create because sustainability equals
survivability. And survivability makes
people feel secure. That's why so many
people are struggling in the world we
live in right now. They feel insecure
because of so much instability. all the
conflicts overseas, the economy here in
the United States, the changing value of
our currency, there are so many factors
that cause instability. And that
instability makes us feel insecure
because we all know there is
inconsistency
in each of these arenas, whether it's
international conflict or the economy or
the job market. So, it's not about
creating the most dominant frame. It's
not about creating the most aggressive
or assertive frame. It's about creating
the most stable frame. Think about it
for yourself. If you had to pick between
a wooden table with four legs or a
marble table with three legs, what would
you most likely choose for yourself? No
doubt you would look at the marble table
and think to yourself, "That table looks
much more beautiful. That table looks
much more attractive." But then you
would also realize that it's a very
heavy table because it's made of stone.
If you haven't discovered your
natural-born spy skills, then somebody
else may be using theirs against you.
CIA teaches us there are only three
types of people. Those who manipulate,
those who motivate, and those who are
being controlled by one of the other
two. I built a threeinut CIA style quiz
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use it before someone else uses theirs
against you. And it has to balance all
that weight on just three legs. So if
somebody bumps into it the wrong way or
leans on it the wrong way, the whole
thing is going to come crashing down.
where a wooden table may not be so
attractive at first sight, but when you
look at the four legs and you think
about the stability, now you have no
problems sitting on that table, leaning
on that table, inviting people to sit
and join you for a meal around that
table. Clearly, the stability of the
table becomes more attractive than the
material of the table itself. The same
thing is true when people gather in a
room. They're looking for the most
stable, the most consistent, the most
secure frame in the room, and they will
follow that frame. The way that you
present yourself as a stable four-legged
table is actually counterintuitive to
what most of us have learned in college,
on the job, and in the dating arena.
Rather than being the person who talks
the most, you actually want to be the
person who talks the least. The person
who is silent is the person who really
controls a room because that silent
person gets to absorb all the
information happening in the room. Who's
talking, what they're talking about,
what they're saying. The person who's
quiet is the person who can see verbal
and non-verbal cues that are showing
dominance and competition between the
different people in the meeting. Being
in control of the frame doesn't mean
you're speaking the most. It actually
means you're speaking the least. And
when you speak, you speak in statements,
not questions. Again, this is totally
counterintuitive. Most of us believe
that if we ask questions, we're somehow
more attractive. We're less threatening.
People want to be around us because we
make them feel interesting. That's not
completely false. But when you're trying
to control a room, it's the wrong
strategy. When you're trying to control
a room, you want to be the person who
speaks in statements because statements
offer finality. Statements offer
certainty. Statements are also very easy
for the human brain to process quickly.
When somebody asks you a question, your
brain is forced to process not only the
question itself, but multiple possible
answers. And it has to decide whether or
not it should even share the answer with
you. So all of a sudden, you can see
that there's a great deal of processing
that has to happen nearly
instantaneously when someone's trying to
answer a question. Instead, when you
make a statement, there's no processing
involved. Nobody has to think about
answers. Nobody has to decide whether or
not they'll filter their response. All
they have to do is internally decide
whether they agree or disagree with your
statement. So to make yourself the most
attractive and most stable frame in a
conversation, thereby taking control of
the room, all you really have to do is
speak infrequently and speak in
statements. Two things that are wildly
simple and frequently overlooked. The
last part to understanding this tactic
is understanding that frames are in
constant competition. They're dynamic
and everchanging. They're not static and
immovable. For example, if you're on a
date, whether it's your first date or
whether it's your 500th date, both
partners are showing up with a frame in
mind. Maybe it's a reactive frame, maybe
it's an intentional frame. Maybe she's
stressed out, maybe he's needy, maybe
she's distracted, maybe he's horny.
Either way, you've got two very
different frames that are walking in in
competition. Now, with what you've
already learned here today, you know
that before you ever walk into that
date, you want to have already preloaded
what your frame will be. You want to
know your outcome. You want to know your
desire. You want to know your target
start time, end time, and what you're
going to talk about before you ever walk
in. As soon as you present that frame
inside that date, the second phase of
the tactic takes over and you appear
cool, confident, stable, consistent, and
secure, which makes the other person, no
matter what frame they're coming from,
very attracted to your frame
subconsciously because whether they're
dreamy or horny, they're coming in and
they're finding that you are very stable
and steady. You set the tone. You set
the pace. You set the conversation. You
set the tempo. You're giving directions
where we eat, when we start, what we
talk about. And that is incredibly
comforting to everybody because that
frame of stability is very much like
that four-legged table, that thing that
we trust. When you do the first two
steps of this tactic correctly, the
third factor, the competition between
the frames becomes irrelevant because
the most stable consistent frame is the
one that wins over time because all of
the other frames simply collapse. They
run out of energy, they run out of
support, or they're killed by the other
frames in the room, leaving only one
behind. This is a critical element to
understanding how you control a room.
Because in a room of 2, 20, or 50, there
are so many different frames that
they're all competing and killing each
other. So rather than being one of the
frames that spends your energy fighting,
you want to conserve your energy and
wait. Let all the other ideals, all the
other reactions, all the other emotions
play out. Because at the end of it all,
they will see that you sit there
unchanged, sturdy, stable, quiet, and
confident, making statements instead of
asking questions. You want to let all
the chaos, all the conflict, all the
competition play out. And you will be
the source of stability. You will be the
safe haven that everybody comes back to.
We call that gravitas. Gravitas pulls
people to you even if they don't know
that's what's happening. That's the
power of being that safe haven. That's
the power of being the quiet, strong
person in a room full of noisy, scared
people. You already know all of this is
true because you've seen it happen in
your own life. You've noticed quiet
people in the room. You've noticed the
person who doesn't speak very often.
You've noticed the person who doesn't
ask a lot of questions. You've been
attracted to the person who doesn't give
in to the drama. You've been attracted
to the person who doesn't play in with
the conflict and the rivalry. You have
befriended, you have sought out guidance
from, you have collaborated with the
person that looks like they're being
overlooked by everyone when in fact
they're gaining everyone's attention.
That is controlling the frame. That's
the tactic that CIA taught me that beats
warlords and beats dictators and
outsmarts presidents and outsmarts
clergy and outsmarts parents and
outsmarts business executives and all
those people who would spend their time
talking because when you listen, when
you're quiet, when you speak in
statements, when you control the
silence,
you control the room. Become that
silent, powerful, safe haven to the
other person. Watch their reactive frame
crumble in the face of your intentional,
deliberate frame, your preloaded,
premeditated frame. Watch how you
achieve your outcomes, and you get your
desires without the other person even
realizing they're following your lead.
This is your chance to take control and
keep control without having to say a
word. I'll see you on the other side.